Alice's Adventures at Hogwarts
by RenieandtheMoo
Summary: This was written for the Moo's birthday. Alice gets unexpectedly transported to Hogwarts and several decades back in time, meets the marauders, Regulus Black and assorted other characters that were hanging round at the time. Hope you like it.
1. An Unexpected Journey

**Author's Note: I'm resubmitting this. I accidentally deleted it a few minutes ago. So anyway, this is for the Moo, for her birthday. Well, for last year's birthday, which was when I started it. And the next chapter should be up in a day or so. (Patience, Cass.)**

**Disclaimer: Need I even say that I don't own HP? Would I seriously be writing fanfiction if I did?**

This is Alice. Alice is a camel. Well, no she's not, just that once she had to write a picture book for school, and it started with: "This is Carmel. Carmel is a camel." Right, now I'm getting off track. Here is Alice. She is sitting beside me eating her recess that she didn't eat at recess today. Can you see her? No, you probably can't, seeing as what you are probably seeing as you read this is a computer screen full of writing. So you'll have to use your imagination.

Alice is sitting on my bed trying to pretend that she brushed her hair this morning rather than just tying it back. It is Alice's birthday. She just turned fourteen. I will start a conversation about chooks with her. I asked, "What do you think about chooks, Alice?", so she said, "Chooks are cool." That might give you some idea of what Alice is like.

So, as Alice sits on my bed, eating her recess, doing her best impression of a person who did brush her hair this morning and reading a booklet labelled "Calligraphy Classic Kit", all of a sudden, her leg begins to hurt because she's sitting in such a weird position. She shifts slightly to make herself more comfortable, when suddenly, everything goes black.

Da-da-da-DUM!

Alice blinks rapidly, wondering what the hell is going on and why she can't see. She has a fleeting suspicion that she is being magically transported to Hogwarts, but no, that can't be right. She rubs her eyes. Still nothing happens. Everything is as black as ever. Well, not as ever, because everything's only been black for a few moments, but everything's as black as it was just before Alice rubbed her eyes. Suddenly, something occurs to Alice – her eyes are shut. When she opens them, she is still sitting on a bed in an awkward position, still clutching a "Calligraphy Classic Kit" in her hands, but when she looks up, there's someone standing in front of her who wasn't there before, frowning at her, and he says, "How did you get here? Remus told me you can't Apparate in Hogwarts." At this point, Alice wishes to rant for several paragraphs about how handsome this particular someone is, but, really, I can't be stuffed.

Rather predictably, Alice passes out.

I don't reckon I would pass out in that situation. I've never passed out in my life, not in all my fifteen-and-a-half-and-a-bit years. But then again, I've never opened my eyes to see Sirius Black – a person I've never even believed to exist – standing in front of me. Nor have I ever opened my eyes to realise that I'm in Hogwarts – it doesn't exist either, I don't believe. So perhaps Alice has a right to pass out.

So, as Alice goes limp and floppy on Sirius's bed, Sirius looks down at her, wondering several things: one, where did she come from? Two, how did she get here? And three, how long has it been since she brushed her hair?

Now, so you don't get the wrong idea, I'll just tell you something: Alice really has quite nice hair. It's kind of light-brownish blonde and when she washes it and doesn't tie it back then it goes into pretty ringlets. But Alice doesn't like ringlets, I don't think, so she tends to tie it back and complains when I play with her ringlets.

Anyway, back to the story. Where was I again? That's right – Alice is lying on Sirius's bed, having fainted and Sirius is just wondering were she came from. So, Sirius thinks long and hard about his questions. She can't possibly have Apparated here, he thinks, coz that's not possible. I wonder who she is? Finally, he comes to a conclusion: _I'll get Remus. Oh bugger, Remus is reading. When you try to talk to him when he's reading, he gets near to biting your head off. Evil, violent Moony. Not that he's violent normally, just when he's reading. _

He's kind of like my friend Anna, who hits you over the head with maths textbooks when you try to interrupt her reading.

So, Sirius thinks about this long and hard; meanwhile, Alice opens her eyes – again. There is a short silence as Sirius realises she's awake, and stares at her a little longer, then finally opens his mouth. "Where did you come from?" he asks, frowning again.

Alice is speechless. She can't be at Hogwarts. But he mentioned Remus, and no-one is called Remus, except Remus Lupin. Actually, scrap that. Alice once knew a priest called Romulus, so it stands to reason that someone could be called Remus, too.

Someone asked Father Rom once if he had a brother called Remus. He just laughed. You never know, he could've had a brother called Remus. Maybe Remus had a _problem_ and was in a mental home and Father Rom didn't like to talk about it. Then again, maybe not. Anyway, on with this.

So, Sirius and Alice stand there – well, Sirius stands, Alice lies there – for several long silent moments, until Alice can't take it any longer and bursts out, "Where the _hell_ am I?!"

Sirius pushes his hair out of his face and shrugs. "You're at Hogwarts; where did you think?"

"How did I get here?" Alice asks. She is very calm at this point. The truth hasn't quite sunk in yet. If it were me, I'd probably be going hysterical already. Actually, probably not. I'm not really a hysterical person. I'd just like to react differently to her, because I'd like to pretend I'm not related at all.

"Well, how am I to know?" Sirius demands. "You just _turned up_, on _my_ bed!"

"Oh…" Alice hesitates. For a perfectly ordinary day, this one is turning out _very_ weird. "Okay then."

Sirius looks slightly puzzled, then wee bit more puzzled, and slowly his expression develops from one of mild puzzlement into one of severe puzzlement. "So will I get Moony?" he asks.

**So, what did you think? Yes, this is a desperate plea for reviews. Like every other writer on I'm a review junkie. Go on, put me out of my misery. Please?**  



	2. The Arrival of Remus

**Well, new chapter, at last. I'll warn you people that nothing much actually happens in this chapter, but hopefully it will amuse you all just a bit.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing this kind of nonsense, would I?**

Alice, slowly, nods. Whether or not Moony will help she's not really sure, but either way, she's going to get to meet Remus Lupin. Remus Lupin! She wonders what he'll look like. Perhaps she will tell me when she gets back. Hopefully, he won't look like the Lupin from the movies – that way he'd grow up to look like a caterpillar had crawled on to his upper lip and died.

No, Alice decides. This Remus will be handsome. He will be 1337. This Remus, Alice decides, will rock her sox.

Sirius takes a deep breath, then shouts, as loud as he possibly can, "MOONY!"

"WHAT?" an irritated voice calls back from down the stairs.

"WELL," Sirius begins, loudly and dramatically, "THIS GIRL JUST RANDOMLY—"

Remus cuts him off. "JUST WAIT, I'M COMING UP!"

Alice hears a book being closed, then put down. She hears a footstep on the bottom of the stairs, then another on the second step. At this point, there is a creak as Remus steps on the third step. She hears him put his foot on the fourth step. The suspense is killing her. She squirms. I'm guessing she's thinking, hurry up, Remus. But he won't hurry. This moment can't be hurried. Although Alice doesn't realise it, this could possibly be one of the most important moments of her life.

"Oh, hurry up," she mutters, as Remus places his left foot on the fifth step. "How mayn steps are there up to here?" she asks Sirius.

Sirius is a little puzzled. "Why does it matter?"

Remus puts his right foot on the sixth step.

"I just want to know what he looks like."

"Who, Remus?"

The person in question trips on the seventh step and tumbles backwards down the stairs. "Bloody hell, Moony, what's taking you so long?" Sirius shouts. "My lovely friend up here wants to know what you look like!"

This is getting far too suspenseful for Alice. She feels as though she has just mixed together a dangerous concoction of unusual and highly flammable chemicals and is waiting for them to explode. Personally, I don't know why she doesn't just go downstairs to find Remus herself, but perhaps she thinks this is a dream, and she doesn't want to move in case she accidentally wakes herself up, it being a particularly good dream, involving Marauders, Hogwarts, and possibly even her secret love, Lucius Malfoy.

Now, if Alice was here beside me as I typed, she would be beating me about the head or tugging the end of my plait and demanding that I delete the part about Lucius Malfoy. Fortunately for all concerned, about five or ten minutes ago, Alice was randomly and inexplicably transported to the other side of the world, and back in time more than thirty years, so I am safe to write precisely what I like.

Is the suspense killing you too now? Shall I just hurry up and tell you in a several page long description what Remus Lupin looks like and what Alice thinks of him? Or will I just wait patiently until all my readers die, death by slow, uncomfortable death… MWAHAHAHAHA…hahaha… erm, right. I'd perhaps rather my readers (what few I have) didn't get scared away, or killed. I do so like reviews after all.

So, Sirius runs down the stairs, taking them several at a time, and comes back dragging a squirming, wriggling Remus.

"This," he declares, proudly, as if Remus is a sculpture he's sculpted, "is Remus Lupin, or, as McGonagall calls him, her little Snugglepie."

Despite this rather disturbing introduction, Alice stands there, silent and speechless. Yes, silent _and_ speechless. As if silence doesn't imply speechlessness. Remus, meanwhile, twists round to kick Sirius. "No, I am _not_ McGonagall's Snugglepie. I am not _anyone's_ Snugglepie. Unless you've brought me up here for anything important, I was in the middle of a lovely book, so will you please let me down." He gives Sirius a hard kick in the shins, and Sirius drops him.

"Well, I've brought you up here for a purpose. A very important purpose." Remus looks dubious. "No, seriously."

"That purpose being..."

"Her." Sirius points at Alice. "Alice, Remus; Remus, Alice." He then goes on to explain how Alice has mysteriously appeared in his dormitory. As you already know this part of the story, I will not write it again.

"Ah..." said Remus. "That would happen to you, Sirius."

"How do you mean?"

"Pretty girls randomly appearing on your bed."

Alice delights at being called pretty by Remus Lupin. As you can probably see by now, she is very fond of Remus Lupin... perhaps a little too fond, considering that up until just now, she thought he was fictional.

Remus, meanwhile, considers the problem. "Where'd you come from?"

"Melbourne." After a moment she adds, "In Australia," just in case someone didn't understand.

"Well..." Remus pauses. "I suppose Sirius has already asked you how you got here."

"Yeah." Sirius says, "And she didn't know."

"Right. I suppose we'd better take you to see the Headmaster."

"That sounds suspiciously like 'We'd better take you to the mental asylum' to me." Alice says, then hopes desperately that Remus will understand her strange brand of humour.

"No," he answers, looking amused, "Headmaster, not asylum. They both have an A, an S, and an M in them, but not many other similarities. So come on."

He reaches for her hand to pull her up off the bed, and Alice is a little disappointed that there is no inexcplicable connection... Maybe she's not destined to be with Remus Lupin after all. She sighs and follows Remus down many corridors, wondering two things. One, how he doesn't get lost; and two, if Dumbledore really _looks_ gay.

**My apologies, I cut that a little short. Don't fret. There'll be more in the next chapter, when it comes. Now I'll just pathetically beg for reviews a bit. **


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